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Transforming Rejection: Finding Purpose and Growth with Tanya Cross
Can rejection lead to a more purposeful life? Why do unmet expectations feel so devastating? In this episode, we’re joined by Tanya Cross, a renowned identity and purpose coach, to explore how rejection shapes our emotional and physical wellbeing. Discover the brain’s role in amplifying the pain of rejection and how our innate need for connection influences these feelings. Tanya offers actionable strategies to manage expectations, strengthen self-identity, and transform setbacks into stepping stones for growth.
Through an inspiring case study, we dive into the concept of post-traumatic growth, learning how life’s challenges can yield lasting lessons and resilience. From practical exercises like the "post-it note exercise" to personal anecdotes, Tanya provides tools to reframe negative experiences and uncover your life’s purpose.
Additionally, we discuss the impact of over-identifying with career roles and how nurturing various life facets can safeguard against identity crises. Don’t miss Tanya’s transformative insights from the Maximum Growth Academy, helping you embrace rejection as a catalyst for growth and fulfillment.
Tune in for tips to navigate setbacks, redefine purpose, and foster lasting resilience.
About Tanya Cross
Tanya Cross is a Counsellor, Master Certified Demartini Facilitator, and problem-solver passionate about unlocking human potential. With expertise in human behaviour and dynamics, Tanya empowers leaders to achieve growth in business, leadership, and life. Her mission is to educate and inspire others to overcome challenges, find balance, and create purpose-driven success.
Connect with Tanya Cross
Websites: https://tanyacross.com/ and https://maximumgrowth.co/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_tanyacross_/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@maximumgrowthacademy/
Facebook: https://facebook.com/tanyax/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tanyacross/
About me&my health up & Anthony Hartcher
me&my health up seeks to enhance and enlighten the well-being of others. Host Anthony Hartcher is the CEO of me&my wellness which provides holistic health solutions using food as medicine, combined with a holistic, balanced, lifestyle approach. Anthony holds three bachelor's degrees in Complementary Medicine; Nutrition and Dietetic Medicine; and Chemical Engineering.
Podcast Disclaimer
Any information, advice, opinions or statements within it do not constitute medical, health care or other professional advice, and are provided for general information purposes only. All care is taken in the preparation of the information in this Podcast. [Connected Wellness Pty Ltd] operating under the brand of “me&my health up”..click here for more
Welcome to another enlightening episode of me&my health up. I'm your host, Anthony Hartcher, clinical nutritionist and lifestyle medicine specialist. And today we have a truly special guest with us, Tanya "Counsellor" Cross. Tanya is an expert in helping people discover their identity and purpose. And she's here to talk about a topic that affects us all, rejection. In this episode, Tanya shares her personal journey and professional insights into the many faces of rejection. We'll delve into what rejection really means and how it can show up in our lives, often in unexpected ways. Tanya will also shed light on the role of expectations in setting us up for rejection and offer practical advice on how to manage these expectations to minimise the impact. But that's not all. We'll explore how rejection can entangle our sense of identity with our relationships and careers and discuss strategies to maintain strong sense of self outside of these areas. Tanya will share a compelling case study of a client who faced significant rejection and manage to turn their life around, providing hope and inspiration for anyone going through similar challenges. We'll also talk about the importance of clearing past attachments and beliefs to find new direction and purpose. Tanya emphasises the value of listening in our body's feedback as a guide to discovering our true purpose. So if you've ever felt the sting of rejection and wondered how to bounce back stronger, this episode is for you. Stay tuned as we uncover the upside of rejection and learn how to navigate through life's toughest moments with resilience and grace. Without much further ado, I'd love to welcome you into the discussion I'm having with Tanya"Counsellor" Cross. Welcome to the me&my health up podcast. How are you, Tanya?
Tanya Cross:I'm very well, thanks, Anthony. How are you?
Anthony Hartcher:Fantastic. So great to have you on and I'm really excited to talk about today's topic on rejection because as a little kid, I experienced a lot of rejection and it certainly toughened me up and made me more resilient today. So I'm really keen to explore the topic of rejection simply because as all humans, we face rejection in all areas of life and you're an expert in this topic and many other areas. So let's start with your backstory as to how you have arrived at what you're doing today, just just so that the listeners can hear a little bit more about you and what you do.
Tanya Cross:So I have, well, I currently work with coaches and also service business owners. So with coaches, I help them to find their identity and to share their service with the world. So we have group coaching, and then I also do one-on-one sessions with service business owners. And it's really to help them to navigate the complexities of a growing business and really using their mindset as a way to leverage better outcomes within their teams and also themselves as well. So I've been coaching for 15 years now, which seems like a long time, but it doesn't, yeah, it's been an amazing journey. So I started because I had a love to wanting to serve people and I really wanted to make a difference in someone's life. And my older sister was a nurse and she said, Tanya, you would make a great nurse. So I started doing that and followed her footsteps. Soon after, I realised that wasn't really my path and my destiny and then decided to go into counselling and have been doing that ever since and I just, I definitely found my flow. It's beautiful to make a difference in someone's life.
Anthony Hartcher:And you're certainly doing that in a big way. I'm part of your Maximum Growth Mindset group and it's amazing in terms of the change and transformation that you're achieving with the members of that. So, yeah, really vouch for your expertise around this area of helping people find their identity, their purpose, and helping them really get started and launching them into success. So I'm really excited to have you on and particularly talking about this topic. I think it's intriguing around rejection. So let's, let's start with sort of like a definition, but not really a textbook definition, but really let's define the topic and then we'll get into it.
Tanya Cross:So rejection is that painful, like stabbing that, you know, in the gut sometimes when you have wanted something and wanted a particular outcome and it hasn't turned out the way that you wished and hoped it was and then you feel the praying or the stabbing of rejection and it hurts. It can sometimes feel like a physical pain for some people because it hurts so much. So rejection is that you felt like ostracised or outside of the group or you wanted someone to accept you and they haven't. And so then we go through these psychological and physiological symptoms that we have as a result of the rejection. And so people can feel rejected in lots of different ways. They can really feel rejected because they put a post up on social media and no one likes it. You can feel rejected because you wanted to ask someone out on a date and they said no or that you can feel rejected because you've been in a relationship for a decade and, and it ends. So we can feel rejected because a client says no or they, they don't want to continue. So rejecting comes in lots of different shapes and forms these days. But essentially, it's the thing that can, can either make or break us in our ability to handle rejection because if we want to go out and make a really big difference in the world, we have to get really comfortable with rejection. It's a part of, it's a part of life. But we can sometimes be more prone to like liking and drawn to acceptance and wanting people to like us and wanting approval and wanting to be accepted. And so that can sometimes be even addictive, like it can be this, this drive. You kind of lose a sense of self in this drive to want to be accepted and lose yourself and then you end up rejecting yourself to try and please other people. So there's this really kind of big and complex topic which we're going to go and have a deeper exploration together. So...
Anthony Hartcher:And so, what, what really sets us up for that fall? Like you mentioned expectations before about you've sort of got an expected outcome and, you know, for whatever reason it doesn't eventuate. And so, you know, many cases it's asking that person out for a date or where does it start?
Tanya Cross:So I remember when I was 20, I was 22 years old and I was dating someone and we fell in love as you do when you're 22. We worked together, we ate together, we trained together, we slept in the same bed together. We pretty much were inseparable for a couple of years. And I happened to go on a trip overseas because a girlfriend needed some help overseas. So I went to Thailand. That's another story. And then while I was in Thailand, my fiancé actually at the time started seeing someone else and being intimate with someone else. And so I came home and I had the sense when I walked back the business that I was working in and he was there and I was like, I could sense that something had changed, good sense. And I could sense other people knew something had changed too. And I was like, what is going on? And then eventually found out that he had cheated on me. And so my expectation was we were going to get married. We were going to continue to have a life together. And, and maybe there was a fantasy of, you know, being in one relationship for the rest of my life. And, and there was a lot of expectation. And so then because my reality didn't match that expectation, and then also I wasn't chosen. So he didn't choose to be with me, he chose to be with someone else. And so that just hurt deeply in this feeling of feeling deeply rejected. And so we can have, it can be because of a layer of expectation. So if we expect someone to say yes and not no, then we can feel that pain. So that's definitely a layer that we're not actually thinking about because we're so, so trapped in the the feeling of rejection. We've forgotten to kind of analyse the situation and figure out, well, actually, what was my expectation that I had on that particular outcome or what did it, was I wishing and hoping it was going to be? And then looking at that because the greater gap between the wish and hope and the expectation and reality, the bigger the gap, the bigger the rejection and the more hurt you feel because of it.
Anthony Hartcher:It's so true because I, you know, think back in terms of whenever I asked anyone on a date, like I was just attached or, you know, really wanted that yes, you know, that I was really... and same with, like playing sport, for example, you go in and you just, you know, it's all about winning. And so it's very much a very black and white. It's all or nothing sort of approach that we have towards, you know, whatever situation it is. And so how can we better set ourselves up so that we can better handle what may come if, you know, like, it's probably a 50-50 probability of yes or no, right? It's... yeah.
Tanya Cross:Yeah. I think if we can be aware of our expectations is definitely a beginning step to looking at rejection or being able to navigate it better. Because if we understand what the expectation is, we're very clear on that. We can then be aware, is it a realistic expectation? Is it unrealistic? Is it possible for this person to give you that, you the outcome that you're looking for? And so I think if we can just become very conscious and aware of that expectation, that's the first and foremost step that you want to do. Because if we're not aware that there's a gap, and then we feel pain and then we're focused on the rejection, but we've forgotten that there's kind of an entanglement of what's happening, then this is at least the first awareness step. Now, if we do come up and we realise, oh, that's probably an unrealistic expectation that someone's going to be with you forever, or that you'll have a client stay with you for a very long time, or every client that you meet will say yes, or every post you put up on social media is going to get attention and likes. So if we have this unrealistic expectation, we want to start to manage our expectations that we have within ourselves so that we can be more adaptable, that if someone says no, we're like, okay, well, that's okay. So how, can we go into how? How we go about doing that? Is that okay? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. So essentially, if, for example, if I go back to the story with my boyfriend, or my fiancé at the time, so if I, my my expectation was that we were going to get married. And so if my expectation is, and I'm attached to this outcome, and no other outcome is possible, and that one outcome is the only one that I want, to be able to manage that expectation, I want to look at, well, what, what are the other options that are possible for me? I could stay single. I could say no to him. I could get a, you know, have more space and, and find my own identity in that relationship instead of being so entangled. I could stay in the relationship. And so because now I've got like, more options, then that's helpful because sometimes our unrealistic expectation, we only have one, one avenue, one pathway, and if that doesn't happen, then it's like disaster. And so because there's more options, and then I can get comfortable with each of those options, like what's the upside of doing the other options, then I can be more flexible and have more freedom within that if it doesn't go the way that I wished and hoped it would go. So that's definitely one way that we can just start to strategise and look at potential other options that can help to mitigate our expectation.
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Anthony Hartcher:And do you know why humans have this tendency to really latch on to a, an, a expectation? Like it's, it's like, you know, it's, you know, it's got to have this. Just have to have this. This is the only way it can be.
Tanya Cross:I think, I mean, it's a multi-layered question. So I think part of it's brain chemistry that we have, that we we have a, you know, dopamine hit or we feel good in certain circumstances with a future imagined self. And so because we're thinking about that future imagined self, we can get really attached to it. That's definitely one layer. Another could be that there are particular outcomes that we're looking for because it gives us significance. We feel accepted. We feel like we belong. We feel maybe a better sense of self with that particular outcome. Because if we had, for some people, if we look at single versus coupled, some people are like, I'm better being coupled, you know, because my life feels better. I feel like I belong. I feel like I've got more security. I feel like I have a more sense of self in that outcome. But if I was alone, that's more like there's something wrong with you, that you feel more broken, that you're kind of missing out on opportunities. There's less safety and security that you have. And so there can be composed ideals and ideas that you have on a particular outcome. And so that's why you become more attached to that than another. It's almost like your, your sense of self or your identity is more wrapped up in the attachment to the outcome that you're looking for. So I think that's why then people feel more rejected because it's more a whole reject, a rejection of self. It's like you as a person feels rejected as opposed to maybe an action you did, someone didn't like that. Or in my case, back when I was 22, someone else just had a better offer for my boyfriend, my fiancé at the time. A better offer. Yeah.
Anthony Hartcher:So like, yeah, because you shared that great way in which, you know, in order to be proactive and to help prevent the severity of the fall in terms of looking at options and looking at the upside of the option, if you haven't done that proactive work and all of a sudden you find yourself in this space of rejection and you're feeling really down and out, what, what's, what's some way in which people can dig their way out of feeling so down and feeling so rejected?
Tanya Cross:Well, so then, anytime we feel down and depressed because of something that's happened, some kind of challenge or rejection that we're feeling, we're not seeing the upside of the, the experience that you're having. So we've, everyone's heard about post-traumatic stress, and we also have post-traumatic growth. So they've done lots of studies on this. You can read about it in psychology where what happens is when we have a traumatic experience that happens in our life, that we can either have have stress that happens in our body and our mind, and we can be maladaptive to that experience and to life again. And it can take some time to regain your centredness again. And then we can also have post-traumatic growth, which means that after something happens in a traumatic event that we've perceived, that there's some blessings that have come out of it and some upside that come out of it. So if I go back to the experience I had with my cheating, after that I booked a round-the-world ticket. I travelled the world. I got to have an amazing experience. I went to Everest. I went to Hollywood because that's, you know, what you do when you're, when you're young. I went to Nepal. I had, like, such an amazing experience in India. Like, the richness of my life expanded rapidly in that period of time because I was open to the entire world. Because my boyfriend at the time was, I don't know why I keep on calling him my boyfriend, but whatever, the guy I was seeing, he was my world. And then the benefit and the upside was that ended, but then I got to go and see the entire world. And so, and I literally went around, I got an around-the-world ticket. And so I got to see the sort of origin of the experience. And so if we only see an experience that we label as negative and down and depressing, we're going to feel hurt and rejected. And then we don't want to put ourselves into another position again in the future because we're like, oh, that last time that hurt so much. I don't want to do that again. And so you don't even put yourself out there to have, say, a relationship or ask a client for money or to put another post up because you're like, oh that, but that was so painful before. So if we're not working through the pains of the past, we project that onto the future. And then we sometimes stall or don't take action because of it. So if we're able to take whatever we perceive to be negative and challenging, if we're able to take that moment and we'll ask ourselves, and this isn't positive psychology, by the way, this isn't to kind of flip it and say there's only an upside to it, but it's to ask whatever happened, someone said no, someone doesn't choose not to be with you, someone, a client walks away and goes with another coach, like, what's the benefit of that? Benefit, benefit, benefit. And you're going to rewire your thinking to be able to see the upside of it. So instead of having to wait for time to pass and be a passenger in time and wait for that moment that happens like five years later, when you look back in that moment, like, oh, now I see it was so grateful because it's made me who I am today. We actually want to be proactive with the questions we ask because it's the quality of our questions that we ask and the quality of answers that we provide that are going to shift and change our life and our perspective of life. So if we're able to then go into the moment that we perceived at that time painful, and we find the blessings, what we'll find is we'll subside in the pain that we feel. You'll actually feel lighter. You'll feel more open. You'll feel that there's a greater implicate order to the things that have happened for you and in that moment. And you do that enough times, benefit, benefit, benefit. What you'll see is, and it seems a bit ridiculous, you have to ask the same question multiple times, but some because sometimes the more charged you are, the more you have to ask that one question, what's the benefit? And you have to ask a number of times until it evenly get in this benefits to drawbacks are equal. So you keep on asking, and then you're like, feel lighter. You're like, actually, you know what? It wasn't so bad. It wasn't so good either. It was actually just perfect in the moment, and it freed me to do X,Y,Z. And then that in that moment, then you actually get freed from rejection. Rejection doesn't have a hold on you,because rejection is how you feel. It's your perception. You created it. So therefore, you can ask questions to uncreate it or not feel that way anymore.
Anthony Hartcher:You've raised a number of really interesting points, and one in particular around that entanglement, that attachment to the outcome, and how that, you know, sets us up ultimately for, you know, if we don't get the outcome we want, we, you know, feel really dejected. And so there's that, and how you shared in terms of your story, how you will, you were very entangled in that relationship, and your identity was tied up in that relationship. But then afterwards, you went on the holiday, and you had this immense sense of freedom and just travelling the world. So how can we go through life and remain sort of that detached and not dependent, or, you know, that total entanglement with someone or something? So have you got some tips there?
Tanya Cross:Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So I love the analogy where we have two circles, and they kind of display, say, two relationships. And this can be any relationship with family, intimate partner, even children, you know, your parental relationships. So we essentially have two people, so you and the other individual. And so when we become codependent, or we become very enmeshed in our, our experience with someone, we almost, like, merge our two circles so they're completely over each other. So you no longer can even tell the difference between, like, you dress the same, speak the same, you do the same activities, your values are the same, almost like your thoughts. You kind of don't really notice the difference between... there's not much difference between the two people. And you might have seen couples like this, or or you can even have family members like this as well. And so there's not a lot of difference. And so this is... and you know, because if you're in that situation, you'll get internal feedback to let you know that you're not being yourself. You're actually losing your sense of self, which is essentially rejecting who you are, because you want to fit in with who they are. And so what happens then, what we want to be able to do is kind of merge them a little bit more separate. So there's things that are different between each individual, and that you also share a common value set, or common things that you like, or common traits that kind of you bond over. And so there's some level of commonality, but there's still differences, because the differences is what makes our relationships unique and spicy, and it gives you a different flavour of life. But too much difference, you're like, who are you? And we don't even connect. Like, they could be Mars and Venus, and you're like, I can't even understand. Like, I don't even connect with you. So we don't want so much distance, and we don't want so much entanglement or enmeshment. We want this kind of healthy balance. I think sometimes we can maybe... I think in relationships, it's like this coming and going, you know, weaving in and weaving out, you know, dynamic and we're trying to find a balance in there. I don't think there's ever a relationship that's solid in that little like connection and then difference. I don't think, I think we kind of like weave in and out of that in, in our relationship. Sometimes we go too far, and we've got to reconnect again. Sometimes we're too connected, and we've got to go apart to create some independence. But I think naturally, people want to be have a sense of self. Like, they want to feel themselves and loved for who they are and not have to reject who they are to be with someone. Because then we're essentially attached to the outcome or attached to the relationship. And then that is more important than ourselves. But essentially, we're the one that has to have a relationship with ourselves 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So we want to be able to cultivate that relationship first.
Anthony Hartcher:Yeah. And also, I found it with titles. So people going through careers and, you know, getting a title, and there's that attachment to the title and, or they identify themselves through their work. And so when they, you know, they go to retirement, for example, they no long... they lose that sense of self because they were so attached to that title or who they were or the prestige around their work or career. Have you got something to share in terms of that career sense? I mean, it's probably quite similar to the relationship.
Tanya Cross:Yeah. So I'm thinking of a particular client at the moment. They're mid-60s and been in their career and they're top of their field. They've been in their career for 30, 30-ish years. And so they've just retired actually on Friday. They had that massive 250 people at their party, you know, huge. So I know that in about two months time, I'm going to be like, getting a phone call, okay, Tanya, I'm ready to come back again. And because I normally work with the people who are in, in the thick of like their career, but now he's gonna have an identity crisis. Because what happens is when we over-identify with work and we attach ourselves to our position or our title or our job or our business, if we took that away and then you have to ask, I've got no idea who I am, then that's a problem. Because essentially, we have lots of facets of life. We have our spiritual life, our mental life, vocational, financial, family, social, physical, like, there's lots of areas of life that we want to nurture. And we put a lot of emphasis into work or money. Some people do the same thing. I had someone who had money and they had a $10 million company that just went bust overnight. They lost, you know, a lot of contacts and relationships as a result of that as well. And so when we over-identify with a particular area of life, if that's taken away and we lose a sense of self, we then have to regain and almost rebuild ourself again. So it's like if we are able to nurture all different aspects of our life, like our intimate relationship, our family dynamics, our social circles that are inside and outside of work, our work, our mental thinking and learning, our spiritual self, like if we're in our finances, if we can nurture all areas of life, if one aspect was taken away, for example, you didn't have your health tomorrow, or you didn't have friendship circles, or your relationship break, that breaks down, then it's not such a massive loss because you have lots of other areas that are also enriching for you. But if we've wrapped everything up in work, it can be really hard. It kind of a painful journey in rediscovering because you're like, I don't even know what I like outside of work. Like, what do I even like to do? What do people do when they're not working? Like, there's all these questions. So, and then, so I think it's just having this like, like, kind of curiosity to discover who you are outside of work. Because I really, truly believe like work is important. And I know for like I put my hand up for it. I work a lot. I love what I do. I feel like I'm making a difference to humanity. I can make a difference to someone's life. I love it. But then it's not, it's not the be all and end all either. It's like, it's okay. And that work can still, can still be successful because if we have, like, attached our identity, say, to being significant in work or to be important or to feel that people that you, I don't know, even making a difference, if we're kind of really attached to those outcomes, then we're also thinking that you can't make an outcome, or you can't make those outcomes in your everyday life as well or with your family. You can. It's just doing it on a bigger, larger scale isn't better or doing it with your family isn't better or worse either. It's just being able to love and appreciate the different forms that your purpose might show up in. But it's ultimately being able to nurture, essentially it's being able to nurture lots of different areas of your life.
Anthony Hartcher:I was thinking probably now's a good time to share a case study, you know, of a client of yours that has experienced immense rejection, whether it be loss of relationship, loss of job, whatever area that they've, you know, been entangled with and attached to. And then all of a sudden they're, they're, you know, they haven't got it and they lose themselves and they feel, you know, what's the point of life and really dejected. So if you could just share, yeah, the example, and then how you work with the client to really turn them around.
Tanya Cross:Yeah. So I worked with a particular gentleman. So he had done a merger with another company and it was a, it was a, I can't remember what company, a foreign country, but it may be America. If it was America, this was a little while ago, this pre, pre-COVID. And so he did a merger with them and the merger didn't go very well. So he ended up losing a significant amount of money and to the point that he had to end up exiting out of the company. So there were some terms and conditions in it and the market changed. There was a number of different dynamics. So he also had his kids in private school which he had to then put into public school. They had, you know, the house that they had to sell. Then he no longer had his purpose because he couldn't work in that, he had an agreement. The part of the agreement was he couldn't create another company in the same industry. So he was pretty much his career, his whole industry, as well as his family and the prestige of what money had and all of that was was lost. But it was, it took a little while. So there was a, it slowly happened over maybe about 12 months, but he just wasn't seeing the signs. When we went back and I asked one of the questions, well, when did you start to notice that things were not okay? Because we don't just, it doesn't happen just like that. There's feedback that's happening with the internal feedback. Maybe this deal isn't the best deal to do. Maybe I'm being taken for for a ride. Then you get feedback from the outside world going, yeah, have you really looked into all the details of this, this merger? And so when I asked him that and I said, tell me, like, did you know? Like, how, give me, give me some examples. And he's like, yeah. He still remembers the moment when he was about to sign the contract. I get goosebumps. Where he's about to sign the contract and in his head he's like, no, this isn't gonna work. But he was so attached to the money, like so attached to the money. And what the, what was the potential that he like overread his internal feedback to actually go after the money. And so it took a while for us to really work through because the identity was wrapped up in business and money and the status of that life that he was also leaving or livin. And that was no longer having that anymore. So we had to look at a lot of the drawbacks or the downsides of that life and also the downsides of his company and his business. And so it was a bit of a shemozzle, more of an Australian word. It was a shemozzle. You take that away with you and use it. It was just a cluster of like stuff that was happening. And so when we looked at what was the drawback if he continued in his industry, if he continued with his business, if he continued with money and having access to money, what was the drawbacks? So we had to look at so many because essentially it's that attachment to that outcome that he was seeking. And so what was the drawback, drawback, drawback? What did it cost him? And it was essentially costing him his life. It was costing him his life because he didn't really love what he was doing anymore. He wanted out. He was doing his business because his dad gave him the busines. And then he took that business and continued to grow it. He actually didn't know anything else. And he's kind of living a life, so we were talking about identity, like living a life of what his dad wanted for him, not what he genuinely wanted. And he was, like, early 50s. And he's just realising in this like profound moment in the session where he's just realising, he's like, oh my God, I've just lived my whole life for someone else. And then this kind of really cathartic kind of coming that he realised he had to have this like Phoenix rising moment where he had to burn everything to the ground, literally, because he had to, because if he was still attached to his industry, he would have gone back into it because it felt more comfortable to do it. If he had the money, he would have probably gone off and started another business and then not really knowing who he was because it's impossible to kind of start something that you're not gonna burn to the ground if you don't know who you are. You wanna know who you are, so you build something that's gonna be sustainable because you, you are your business. You know, your heart, you put your heart and soul into it. And so there was like some really big defining moments for him. But once, once everything was kind of quietened down and he was able to then, like, rediscover who he was in this chapter, in this phase of life, because so many people go out to figure out their purpose first. Like, what's my purpose? Hang on, let's take a step back. Who are you? Like, you can't go out and then expect, you'll probably just get rejected over and over again if you went out and go, what's my purpose? And you go and try and build something else. And you're like, you don't even know who you are. So come back to like figuring out. And so knowing who you are is sometimes a test and learn experience. We go out and you trial different things and you test and learn, can be a bit painful doing it that way. There are other strategies and ways that you can do, which I believe in terms of like mindset. When you clear your mindset of your emotional charges that you have, which is what we do in our maximum growth classes each and every week, it really gives people the opportunity to shift their mindset, to not have those pains and pleasures or, you know, rejections and acceptances in their mind, taking rental space. And they can clear that, they can know who they are because that kind of emerges as a result because they're not filled with all this kind of pain and pleasure in their mind. And so once he rediscovered who he was, which took a little bit of time, he then made this decision that he wanted to go into private equity. I was like, how interesting. Very interesting. So he actually started. So it took him maybe about 12 months before he really found his feet again, because sometimes the pain of the past, rejection in business, could, it can impact if you don't go and clear that because then he would go, oh, I don't know what happens if I fail, what happens if I, you know, it's, it's a shemozzle again. And so we had to do a lot of kind of clearing of that so that he was in a great space. He's like, I got so much learning out of it. It was a great learning experience and then he was ready to go. And so he started a private equity firm. And so then he's been able to build and grow that from the contacts that he has. And, yeah, he's doing amazing now. And he feels like he's finally living his life again.
Anthony Hartcher:Oh, wow. That's an incredible story, such as turnarounds in terms of, you know, coming from, I guess, having, you know, this attachment to his business and and then seeing an outcome that he thought was the best outcome ever. And, and then it not, it actually fell through on him and then you've had to rebuild who he is and his purpose. And I'm just thinking it's quite common, like after rejection to then, you know, who am I and go through that process of trying to find your identity. So do you find the best way of helping clients to do that is to really remove those past attachments and I guess certain beliefs around, like I'm just thinking around past tragedies or something or traumatic experiences that they're now trying to avoid those situations. And so it really cuts all the ropes or attachments or, you know, puppets. Like I'm thinking, like, I can imagine the sort of like a puppet here where you're cutting all the strings and then the puppet's free, right?
Tanya Cross:Yeah, yeah. Great analogy. It's perfect. I mean, I think about a particular, a client of min, and she had a baby. She had a marriage. She, you know, was just about, you know, newly married too, had a baby and then her husband was cheating on her. They had businesses together. They had a very entangled life. And so if we're not spending time, like really clearing that, the potential then to wanna go and spend a life on their own or just not like men, for example, or not ever want to go into business with another intimate relationship again or whatever it is, or that dislikes the ex-husband, you know, be projected onto the child and then then there'd be a family dynamic that's influencing. So it can be really helpful just to spend time to really clear the past because we don't want it to be projecting into the future and actually interfering what's possible in the future, especially if you'd love to have, you know, more clients or a relationship or whatever, whatever, more money, whatever the thing is. And so it is really important to go back because if we've wrapped our identity up as well in in making that mean something, it's like if she, she had a young baby together and then he has cheated and wanted to be with someone else instead of her and then things that came with that, of like, why, you know, younger, more beautiful, you know, sexier, you know, childless, all of those kind of things, you know, more spiritual. And so there's, there's all those things that then make you mean, that means something to her. And so then, then you wrap your identity up in that. Then you think that that is you, that you're, you know, not as pretty, you know, that you now got a child and you're kind of attached, you know, you've now kind of bound to not being able to work as much. This is her model of the world. And so then she's made and then I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not... And so then that results in her kind of setting her new identity and kind of like sticking that to herself. And so if we don't then spend time in really clearing any past relationships that we've had, imagine you do that a few times on all the other baggage that we have in life. If we're not clearing it, we just accumulate that in our mind and accumulate that with our perception of our identity. And so really to have the clearest identity possible is we do want to be actively working on our mindset. We don't want to, we don't want to reactively work on it, which is what, what happens when something traumatic happens and we get really rejected. It has to be sometimes really, really painful and like, not just a feather or a slap. It has to be like a Mack truck that hits you. Like, okay, now I'm going to do the work. It's like we actually want to be, like, proactive with the work that we do, not reactive, because if we're proactive with our mindset work and we're proactively asking these questions and clearing our emotional charges that we have, we actually get to know ourselves the deepest and the most clearest. And so if we're proactive, I call it like incremental changes. So we do classes each and every week. So you can make just those increment, incremental changes in your mindset and ask those questions to shift it. So it isn't like you have to go and do like one full week and fully submerge yourself in all the mindset stuff and then you'll be fixed forever. It's like, no, what do we have to do? Just those little changes, kind of like healthy eating. You know, you just, you do it a little bit at a time. And so you just make changes with your health, you do a little bit at a time and that's like more sustainable than you go, okay, I'm gonna just stop everything and I'm gonna do everything healthy. And you wanna do it like gradually over time, but we wanna do it proactively because that means you're actually creating the identity that you would love rather than reacting just to what's going on around you.
Anthony Hartcher:Fantastic, really well put there. I was just thinking that you've, yeah, you've cleared the past now and so you no longer have all these attachments and these strings and limiting beliefs. Now, the person's in this position of I'm free, I've discovered who I am. How do they then find that next path? So the next path they walk down and that's, that's my purpose, that's where I'm going. How do you help clients get that direction?
Tanya Cross:So if we, if we link it to rejection, so we can have rejection of self and we can, we can, we can go through these moments that sometimes we're trying to conform too much to the outside world and we reject self and then we go, okay, hang on, I want to accept myself and reject, like I want to have a bit more balance there and be more okay with accepting and rejecting the people around. And then we go, okay, well, then we go, I want to grow and grow my purpose. And so we have to still get comfortable with rejection in our purpose. Like to be purposeful, you're going to get rejected along the way. But if it's not purposeful and you get rejected and that's not your path, what happens? You go back and you recalibrate and say, hang on, what's really important to me? Is that really what I want to do? And if it wasn't what you wanted to do, you're like, I want to do this instead. But if you're on the path and you know this is, I call it the, like in our mindset and in our group coaching we do for coaches, I call it like being in your, your, you know, the the highway you're meant to be on, coaching, for example. And you're like, you know what lane you want to do, like I do business, service business owners. So I know my lane. I know if I have a passenger in the car who's the service business owner, I can chat, chat, chat, chat, chat with them and I know how to kind of connect in with them. And so I'm working, working, working and so I know that. And so, but when we're on that, we're in that, the highway or the lane, we can have challenges that happen or rejections that happen, but we're still willing to keep on moving forward on the highway. The highway might just give us and push us into a different lane, but we know that we're actually steady and we keep on moving forward. But if we're not going the path that we actually want to, as soon as we get rejection, it'll actually help us to reassess, hang on, is this really truly what I want? So rejection is actually really an amazing opportunity to really kind of get clear with who you are and what you truly want. And so, but when we are in that direction, we can take on that rejection. We're like, oh, that's okay. I can still keep on going. So for example, if you love being a coach and you get rejected for a client, you're like, okay, next one, who else can I serve? Who else can I help? And so we get really, really comfortable with that. And so we're more willing to embrace the challenges or the rejection in the pathway to something that's purposeful. So in terms of how I usually work with someone when I want them to figure out, what is my purpose? Like, you know, I'm having an existential crisis because I'm being rejected at work or I've been made retrenched or something's happened, and I'm having this crisis, like, who am I? I think your body is the best barometer for your feedback to what is purposeful. Because let's say, for example, we use the coffee shop analogy. So you walk into a coffee shop and you walk in and you're like, eh, it's a bit flat here. Not getting a flat white, but it's just flat. It's like no energy, there's no love, no one greets you and you're just like, oh, you just wanna walk out. And then you walk into another cafe and it is hustle and bustle and it's just like, there's so much energy around it and you, you love having your coffee. You get it and it's got like a little teddy bear picture on it and you're like, this person loves their coffee making. You can just tell. And then you drink it, you love, it's a beautiful experience. You wanna invite your friends there. And so there's a vibe. So we also, our body also gives us a vibe when we're doing things that are uninspiring, we'll feel flat, we'll feel despondent, we'll feel like zapped of energy. And then we'll do other things in our life that promote energy inside of us or give us energy or make us inspired. And we can feel that actually running through our body. So I call this the post-it note exercise. Highly recommend it. So post-it note, I think that's a global term for a sticky note. Same, same. So you basically go and review your entire life of every moment that has been purposeful for you, where you felt like that energy run through. It might be a book that you read, maybe some artwork you saw, some music you listened to. I actually re-listened to MMMBop. Do you remember that song, MMMBop? Yeah. Actually, go read the lyrics for it. It is so beautiful about like-
Anthony Hartcher:Is that the Backstreet Boys, is it?
Tanya Cross:No, it's Hanson. Okay. So, just so you go and read something like that. Or for me, like I used to be, I wanted to be an artist when I was younger. And I loved Frida Kahlo. And when I was looking recently, because I went to one of her, the installations she had here in Sydney, I looked at it and it was like, all about her discovery of herself. And I was like, that's what I do for my purpose. That's my mission. I'm on a quest to help people to discover themselves and uncover the mysteries of the mind and mastery of self. So I was like, wow, maybe I knew that when I was like 15 years old. And so you do the post-it note, you get books, movies, maybe conversations, courses that you've been to, but you want to be detailed in it. Like, what was it specifically about that? And then what you do is you stick them all up there. Now this can take someone a day, a week, a month to really put all the detail in. And you go across your entire life. So from early as you can remember until today, all that feedback, your body will know. Like, I still remember coming out of Titanic and like Titanic the movie, I was like 16 years old, I came out and I was like speechless. I cried, but I was speechless. Like, how can there just be a love like that? Like, just that bursting love. I was like, whoa, that was up there. And so and so we just have those. And then you take a step back and you look and you're like, hey, what is my body? My soul, If we're going to look at that, like what's my body and my soul telling me? And what we're going to be able to do is find like the thread. Everyone's going to be different. So I've had some people it's like expression or connection. Some people are all about family. Some people about health, for example, or like being able to discover themselves, that was mine. And so you'll have something common and that's what you're looking for. Because when you find that you're then willing, someone could, someone could come up to me and say, Tanya, I reject any idea you have that you can know yourself. And you know, the pathway is to know yourself and your mind is, you know, a big like, if you can master your mind, you can master yourself. And, and like, I reject that. I don't. I think your mind is ungoverned and out of control and your emotions are what they are. There's not, you can't see a different perspective. It's, you know, it's a facade. I'll be like, okay, you do you, but, and you can reject my idea, but I know in my heart, like I could take the whole world to reject that. But I know in my heart that it feels true for me and I will stand up against that. I'll stand for that. And so we're willing to then go when we find our purpose, we're willing to have the whole world reject us. We're willing to people to say, no, I don't agree with that, but we can stay true and steady within ourselves and believe it for us. And I think that's ultimately the path that we want to get on because it means you can handle rejection with more ease because you have something really purposeful that you're living for and that you're willing to stand up against or stand for.
Anthony Hartcher:Well, amazing. It's sort of that embracing rejection and really, I guess, using that as your launch platform to take you forward. It's been wonderful insight that you shared today. I've learned a lot and I'm sure the listeners have. How can the listeners best connect with you?
Tanya Cross:So, oh, Facebook's a great way. We have a group which is called Students of Wisdom for Growth Mindset Coaches and Consultants. So jump onto that. You can find me at tanyacross.com. You can send me a message on Facebook. And then if you're also interested in coming to do some of our mindset classes, Anthony, you're in with us, you can just check out maximumgrowth.co.
Anthony Hartcher:Fantastic. And the listeners, I'll include those links in the show notes. So you can go directly to the show notes and click on the links and join Tanya's Facebook group, which I'm part of, and also her Maximum Growth Academy. So really, thank, you know, really grateful that you were able to put aside the time and come on and really enlighten the listeners. So thank you so much, Tanya.
Tanya Cross:Thanks Anthony, for having me.
Anthony Hartcher:You're welcome. And to the listeners, please, please reach out to Tanya if you're stuck or you're not knowing which direction to go in, not knowing where to turn. She is amazing. I've seen incredible transformations within people of the Maximum Growth Academy. So thoroughly embrace and, or I endorse Tanya's work. So reach out to her and join the community at no cost and go along for a journey and, you know, find yourself and also be able to embrace rejection and live a fulfilled life. So thank you again, Tanya. And thank you to the listeners.
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