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Why Chasing Titles and Expectations Can Wreck Your Mind (How to Detach)

• me&my wellness / Anthony Hartcher • Season 1 • Episode 205

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Are you constantly chasing titles and validation, only to find yourself stressed and 
unfulfilled? Have you ever wondered how letting go could lead to greater happiness and personal growth?

In this insightful episode of me&my health up, host Anthony Hartcher takes us on a deep dive into the transformative power of detachment. Far from advocating for disengagement from life's pursuits, Anthony unveils how embracing detachment can lead to unparalleled resilience, flexibility, and genuine well-being.

Why Listen?

  • Discover the true meaning of detachment: Learn how detachment differs from disengagement and how it can be a powerful tool for personal growth.
  • Insights from a holistic health expert: Anthony shares his journey and insights from years of practice in clinical nutrition and lifestyle medicine.
  • Practical advice for everyday living: Get actionable tips on implementing detachment in your daily life to reduce stress and improve mental health.
  • Inspiration for a fulfilling life: Hear real stories and reflections that inspire a shift towards a more fulfilling and resilient lifestyle.

Don't miss this episode if you're ready to challenge your perceptions and embrace a life of transformation and well-being. It's time to let go of the chase for external achievements and discover the profound peace and fulfillment that detachment brings.

Tune in now to start your journey towards a more detached, fulfilling life.


About me&my health up & Anthony Hartcher

me&my health up seeks to enhance and enlighten the well-being of others. Host Anthony Hartcher is the CEO of me&my wellness which provides holistic health solutions using food as medicine, combined with a holistic, balanced, lifestyle approach. Anthony holds three bachelor's degrees in Complementary Medicine; Nutrition and Dietetic Medicine; and Chemical Engineering.


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Anthony Hartcher:

Welcome back to another insightful episode of me&my health up. I'm your host, Anthony Hartcher, a clinical nutritionist and lifestyle medicine specialist. The purpose of this podcast is to enhance and enlighten your well-being. And today, you have me doing that just for you. And we're going to be talking about the transformation, transformation, a world of, you know, we either live in a world of transformation, or we live in that world of gain or loss. And it's really how we see the world and how we perceive the world is whether it's a life of transformation, or a life of gain or, or loss. And so really wanting to explore this subject with you. And so it's going to be pretty much a free-flowing episode, probably just like all the other episodes, I don't really have an attached outcome or an outcome other than I just want to share some thoughts with you and get you thinking, as opposed to saying, this is the defined outcome of this episode. And this is what you'll walk away with, what I want you to walk away with, is just an open mind and an inquisitive mind. And it's something that I have, and it's something that I'm always looking to do is to broaden my horizons, to broaden my outlook on life, and not to be fixated on particular way, this is the way life should be. And therefore, if it's not this way, I'm upset. And if it and if it's aligning to that my way of thinking, then I'm happy, I'm totally detached from all that I just live day by day, morning by morning, night by night, moment by moment. And it is a really great state to be in is when you are just allowing life to be and not judging it. And really going about your day living by priority. It's certainly what I do, I just set out these in my priorities. This is what I'm going to fulfill this day with. And I'm not really attached to a certain outcome for the day, and hence, I'm not worried about the weather. I'm not worried about what people might say, or whether I'm going to receive criticism or whether people are going to support me that day, I just go with the flow, so to speak. And I was just reflecting as to how do I or how have I transformed into this way of thinking. And it's been very much shaped by my upbringing. My upbringing wasn't really, it was a fantastic upbringing. I mean, I can only be grateful for it, I certainly I'm happy, you know, like, it's, well, you know, it's not that happy. It's more grateful, actually. It's not, it's not happy, because I don't know any other way of an upbringing. So it's, I'm just grateful for what I've I've had and who I am today. And the reason why I'm raising this is I've often reflected as to why my mental health or resilience is what I consider healthy or solid or stable. You know, when I look at what other people are going through, and their challenges, and I often reflect back it, a lot of it's contributed to my upbringing, because when I was going through life, my parents allowed me to just shape my own life, really, they provided direction, but they weren't hard on this is the way it's got to be. And this is what you got to do. And, and if you're not living up to this, therefore, you're not worthy, or something like that. It was always just allowing me to be me, which I think is a fantastic way to be, you know, later on in life is to really be comfortable with who you are. And I think too often, parents may just think that this is the way I want a kid to be raised, or this is the way it should be. Or this is the outcome of the children I want, this is where I want them to be. And it's that attachment to that outcome that causes a lot of suffering to parents. Whereas if the parents allow their kids to be and allow them to transform, and to explore and to be inquisitive, because when you have like, as a parent, a fixated outcome for a child, and this can be you know, you can if you don't have children, you can think about your partner. So if you think this is the way in which a partner should be or this is my ideal version, or a fantasy of the partner, I've always wanted and desired and therefore I'm going to shape them to be this person. It's the same as the child if you're thinking, you know, this is the child I want to raise and it's got to be this way, then you're forcing outcomes you're forcing a result. And it you know, for the partner, you know, if you're trying to force that for the partner, their not being themselves, they're trying to meet you and your expectations and trying to please you, inevitably, they'll let you down or you're perceived that they've let you down. In actual fact, they haven't let you down. They're just being them. And it's the same with children, when you have this fantasy of this is the way that my child should behave, or this is what my child should do as a occupation, or this is the sort of results my child should get, then you're setting yourself up for letdown, you're setting yourself up for disappointment because at the end of the day, they're going to be just one wanting to be them. And so they're going to do things that are them. But you're seeing a different version or wanting to a different version of them to evolve, but they're going to evolve as who they are. And, and sometimes it will meet your expectation or meet your fantasy, and the stars will align, so to speak. But it's inevitably most likely that most of the time, you're gonna feel some sort of disappointment or letdown, but they haven't let you down, you've let yourself down by being attached to the outcome. And this is this whole thing around attachment and versus transformation or versus flow. When we get attached, we have this fantasy of the way things should be or a nightmare of the way we don't want things to be. And so we've we've got this black-and-white view of the world. And it's very much in that amygdala, where we have and the black-and-white world resides. And so what am I referring to when I talk about the amygdala, or the limbic center, that limbic system, or the emotional center or the desire center, it is our animal brain, it's our mammalian brain, it's our brain that is about survival, and it helps us survive, which is really important. But if we want a life of transformation, it doesn't exist in the amygdala, limbic center, the hippocampus, or any part of that, that midsection of the brain, which is the mammalian part of the brain, our evolution of our brain has evolved to a point that we can be the master of our destiny, we can choose the life that we want to live. However, if we're fixated on a particular way, then we're going to be running away from the nightmare of what we don't want, which is the opposite. Or we're going to be constantly running towards a fantasy, which we keep running towards, but we never actually obtain. And it's a bit like the lottery, so to speak, you know, people have a fantasy around what it's like winning the lottery. And they only have a one-sided view of what it would be like to win the lottery, they don't have a balanced perspective, because there's two sides of winning the lottery. And there's two sides of the nightmare, the nightmare is not a one-sided outcome, it has two sides to it. And often, people's success comes out of a nightmare or perceived nightmare from other people in terms of either you know, that would be such a disaster, or at the time it was perceived as as a disaster. But when that person that experienced the disaster reflects back on it, they say that was the turning point, that was the difference that actually propelled them forward. And that made a difference. And so that outcome always had two sides. But the person or the outsider perceiving the person who was considered the victim in that situation, saw it as just a one-sided, terrible, disastrous, and it was like, how could life treat me that way, but life is life. And this is the whole world we live in is it's in a constant state of transformation. And at every level, so when we look at mass mass cannot be created or destroyed, it just is transformed. And so same with energy, energy cannot be created or destroyed. It's just transformed from one form to another. And so if we have a fixation on a particular form, and it doesn't appear that way, then we get disappointed. And then we're upset. And we think, well, now life shouldn't be this way. But life is it is in this constant state of flux. And so what we the best way to go about this is just seeing life as a transformative event. So let me share some examples of this. So when we get attached to an identity, so I've had many identities throughout my life, but I've never really had an attachment to it. So you could say, you know, what were you I was, you know, if you want to label things or identify myself with something, and that being a lot of the time we identify ourselves with occupations. So I'm a chemical engineer, or I was a chemical engineer, but I never really was ever attached to that chemical engineer title. I was just me and I was going about what a chemical engineer may do but I did it my way. And so I didn't have a traditional chemical engineering occupation, it was always morphing and transforming because I was just allowing it to be I didn't have any preconceived ideas that a chemical engineer does this. And therefore, this is what I should do as a chemical engineer, I just went about being curious and open. And I continued being curious and opened. And that sort of chemical engineers sort of started out in the lab, doing laboratory scientific sort of experiments with explosives and going out and testing them. But is that what a real chemical engineer does? I'm not sure. I don't know, I just allow it allowed the evolution of me. And that sort of went into then account management, lead into sales, lead into marketing. And also it was just the evolvement of my career. But I never got attached to any of the titles. And I remember, my manager once came to me and said, Oh, we've got this great job description for you. And we think, you know, we want give us feedback on the title. And they gave me a title. And I said, you know, I just didn't have any attachment to a title. And because I never allowed a title to define me, I always just have been this curious, open person. And I still am today. I mean, every episode, I say, I'm a clinical nutritionist and lifestyle medicine specialist. But you've probably heard many episodes where I haven't shared anything about nutrition or anything about lifestyle. And I've spoken about the neuroscience and mindset, because I'm curious in all aspects of life, and mindset. And I guess, the way we think and our brains really determined the path of which we go down. Because if we have a preconceived idea, then we're looking for things that support that preconceived idea. And we're grasping onto them, we're attaching ourselves to them. And so we're sort of bolting that on to us, and to allow that to define us. And to therefore say that I'm living out the fantasy that I thought that this was what a chemical engineer did, but I didn't have any preconceived ideas, or I just, yeah, I graduated with a chemical engineering degree. But I didn't have a fantasy about this is what a chemical engineer does, or this is what I want my career to be. I just allowed that to evolve. Yes, I set goals. But I'm not fixated on the outcome. So I've set goals around this podcast, but I still do it. And it's because I'm not fixated on downloads. A lot of people with podcasts give up. Because they're, they've got this fantasy that they'll achieve this many downloads in this time period. And if they don't, they're a failure. I don't have any preconceived ideas. My numbers go up and down. And you know, for me, it's not thinking ah it's a bad episode, or could be a bad episode. Like, I certainly don't attach myself to producing good episodes all the time. I just allowed me to be me and my freestyle approach. I'm not rigid, like, yes, I've looked up to people that have done really well in podcasting. And you know, they're saying, everything's got to be perfect, and you got to be transcript-perfect. And if you don't do that transcript-perfect episode, you should redo it. That's not me. I don't want to be that person. And probably why I haven't achieved the results they've achieved. But doesn't worry me because I'm on mission. My mission is to enhance and enlighten your well-being. I'm just sharing some thoughts in this episode, which I'm not attached to an outcome. I'm struggling to even define the label or the title of this episode, other than I just want you to take away that be you, be open and curious. Don't be attached to a particular identity, allow your evolution. I'm always allowing my evolution. I actually didn't start studying Clinical Nutrition after my so-called chemical engineering occupational career, I actually started naturopathy, and but I didn't have an attachment to being a naturopath, obviously, because I didn't finish the degree I ended up transferring to nutrition as to why, well, I allowed like so. And the great thing is I had that flexibility because what I was concerned about was me working full time raising a young family and studying just about full time. And so I'd taken too much on I was causing, I guess, a lot of disharmony within the family and relationships. And I thought, well, I'm not attached to this naturopathy. So why not just take an easier path, which was nutrition? An easier path was just less time to take to finish it. It wasn't necessarily easy in terms of study. I just wanted to finish it sooner. And but because I wasn't fixated on naturopathy, I allowed that just natural evolution to evolve into nutrition. Yet I still adopt naturopathic principles when I'm consulting, so it's not that I've wasted my time and I didn't, you know, I taken naturopathy into what I do today. And I'm very much that natural doctor or that natural physician or natural practitioner, whatever you want to label me as hence, So even today with the evolution of my business, like in terms of, in order to attract the people that you want to grow to, you know, you want to grow your business or to attract that ideal client, therefore, you need to define yourself, it's always been a struggle for me, because I've never fitted into a box, my life never been in a box. My upbringing was, I didn't fit into the ideal student, I struggled at school, actually, really, you could, some people would say that I failed at school, and didn't get a great high school certificate mark. It wasn't great. But it's never stopped me learning, it's never stopped my evolvement. In terms of who I am today, I've just allowed the transformation, I didn't get attached to a HSC mark. So for those students listening out there, I don't want you to get fixated on like, you have to get this score. And if you don't get this score, you're a failure. Not at all, you're not a failure. It's just the evolution of you. And allow you to be you, and allow that evolution to happen. Because with my curiosity, and my openness, I'm constantly learning, I'm constantly evolving. And it's probably why I'm not fixated to an outcome of this podcast. And I need to get this many downloads. And this many downloads and followers will define me, it doesn't define me, what I do this for is to enhance and enlighten your well-being. And I do have people listening to it, hence why I keep doing it, because I'm adding some value. And I'm still doing it today because it's helping me achieve my outcome, which is to enhance and enlighten your well-being. And I've got no vision or fantasy of what it's going to be. I just allow it to be a natural evolution that and as you can see, lots of episodes have sort of gone down various rabbit holes, and I've tried new things. And my podcast is sort of a bit wishy-washy mix-match. But that's my evolution. That's who I am. And I guess I attract some people that like the message or the stories I share or the openness I have, because I am I'm being very open on this podcast I'm sharing with you that this episode is bit of a bit of just thinking and but it's it's sharing with you that what's really served me today around my mental health and my health is not being attached to certain outcomes that my physiques got to be, I need to look a certain way. I've never had body dysmorphia, because I've just allowed it to be and to serve me in terms of what I'm doing at the time. I've played rugby, I've run, I've swam, I've done lots of various sports. And I, you know, and some of these sports require a certain physique, but I haven't attached myself to that sport, and I haven't attached myself to that physique. And I just enjoyed doing it. It's like martial arts at the moment, I'm doing martial arts, and I'm not changing me, I'm just being me. But I've allowed the evolution of myself through martial arts, and I've improved through my journey, but I'm not fixated that I need to be this sort of fighter or I need to achieve this sort of outcome. I've just focused on, you know, just improving certain areas, but doing it in my way and, and it's just allowed the evolution of me in the in the martial arts, but the martial arts space, but I'm not fixated on certain outcomes. I'm just allowing my growth and but I'm not thinking if I don't achieve this in this certain time then I'm a failure. Yes, I have goals, but they're not fixated. I'm not really fixated on it like black and white, I allow the evolution of that goal. It's just like my study my evolution, you can see through the, through this podcast, in terms of, you know, I started off having a lot of guests and inviting sort of all sorts of guests from all areas of life and but you know, I'm doing a lot of episodes now. And that's the evolution of me, because initially, I was uncomfortable because I was thinking I had that what we call the it's not coming to me now. But it will come and you're probably you've probably picked it up already. Right? So I'm not worried about that. These episodes of failure because this was not coming to the but and it's still not coming to me, but it will but you've you've got it right. You've got it. And so I was thinking who would want to listen to me, you know, what have I got to share what you know, I'm inferior, you know, the words still not coming to me and hence, I'm not attached to this word coming to me and if it doesn't, by the end of the episode, it doesn't matter. But I think you've got the point I'm trying to make is that I saw myself inferior to others and that everyone else had a message and a voice to share and, but who would want to listen to me, you got I mean like, and, and so I had guest on just continual guests because I thought, yes, people want to hear their message. But I, I've got no much value to add. But I've through interviewing the guests, I've realised that I can see in them a quality that I wasn't owning. And so my evolution in terms of my development has grown through interviewing the guests. And so I didn't really expect this podcast to have a whole lot of episodes with me talking. But it's been growth of me. And hence, if I had started that podcast saying this is the boundaries of which this podcast will operate in, it wouldn't have allowed the evolution of me, it probably wouldn't have allowed the evolution of the guests and the various topics, it's just because this podcast has started being open. And because I don't like I don't attach myself to outcomes, or I don't box myself in, I just allow it to transform, and to grow and develop. And this podcast has been transforming and developing, with my transform and developing around my growth, my evolution, and business will to the right of your business growth will grow based on your growth and your openness and your expansive mind or how close you are. So your limitations will be defined by that fixation that you have on a black-and-white view of how business should be. But I don't have that black-and-white view. I'm curious to see how other people do it. And whether I should I try that. And yes, I am trying various aspects around growing my podcast, and seeing whether it works. But ultimately, I keep coming back to just being me. And I remember one of the guests said to me, they said, your point of differentiation is you I thought, yeah, because there's no other person in this world that is like me. And so some people that are attracted to me, and yes, some people get on to my episodes and repelled by it. But I'm just not for them. And again, I'm only going to attract those that like what I share, like who I am, but those that don't like me will go and listen to someone else. But that's the great thing about podcasts is that there's lots of podcasts out there, and they can find someone that best resonates with them. But I'm not trying to be Andrew Huberman. I'm not trying to be you know, any celebrity around podcasting, I'm just being me and allowing the evolution to be I'm not I'm not attached to an outcome. And podcasting, in actual fact, doesn't define me, I do podcasting. But I'm not defining myself or labeling labeling myself as a podcaster. Yes, I do share that in order for people to better understand who I am, or get some sort of sense of who I am. But I'm just constantly growing and evolving. And you've probably seen in terms of the information I share on this podcast, as to the level of curiosity I have, and hence all these rabbit holes, I go down and explore with you. And but this is what this podcast is it's constantly me evolving my education and sharing it with you. And part of my learning process is sharing it with you. So I don't necessarily have mastery around the subject matter. But in order to gain mastery, I need to start teaching it in order to evolve my thinking. Because often I share concepts, I'm thinking I don't really have a great grasp of this concept. But I'm going to share my understanding at that point in time around that concept. The thing that that opens up is that it's it lights a light bulb in me to say, I need to better understand that. And I want to understand that better, so I can better help you. And so this podcast keeps me evolving through me looking for information as to how I'm going to add further value to you. And then I still get the guests on to add their understanding, which is often much higher than mine. But it also enables me to grow further by them sharing concepts that I don't understand. And I just want to think well, yeah, that's an interesting concept. Let me better understand that. So I'll go into the education and get a better grasp of in terms of what they're sharing. And so what I'm wanting to ultimately get across to you in this episode, is allow your natural evolution, allow your natural transformation. And the way to get away from this sort of gain or loss is not sort of focus on the beginning and end of things I see you know, this is the start of a new year. And there's lots of posting about this person's last first day and or the last day of last day or last first day of this or whatever and they're constantly defining this just stop, start, stop, start. But life isn't just, there's no stop-start. It's just constantly transforming. There's no defined unless we want to define as a stop-start. So I never, you know, and like, so some people actually achieved their mark in the HSC. And then that's the end of their education, they've achieved that 99 or whatever, and, and they stop learning. Whereas I never had an outcome that I sort of had a desire that I wanted to get into this uni course. But I never got the mark to get into that uni course. But it didn't stop me from doing that uni course at the uni I wanted to, because there's always other ways. And I think when you have an open mind, therefore I don't, because I didn't get this mark. That's the end of it. And therefore I'm gonna have to do something else. And my life's ruined. I didn't think that I just thought, Well, how else can I get into what I wanted to get into, and I found a way. And this is what I want to share with you is when you're black and white in terms of your thinking, you will be disappointed, and you'll give up and move on. And think no, that's not for me. But I've, I've always allowed an open way of getting there and I'm not a predetermined way of getting there. And so I end up getting there, but through my own pathway. And it's because I have this open mind, and I'm not attached to the outcome, I don't have a fantasy of this is the only way that it needs, it should be done. Or this is the way this person should be. I allow them to be and allow them to grow in their natural evolution. And I'm not attached to this is the way they should treat me or this is, you know, I just allow it to be. That's who they are. And that's how they responded in that moment. That's them. But I'm not attached to any response that this is how they should have responded in that moment to me. So because I don't have any of that sort of attachment. And I'm totally detached, I just allow life to be and the transformation of me, I'm just constantly open and expanding. And my relationships are constantly opening, expanding, because I'm not fixated on the way people should be. And I don't feel that people ever let me down. They're just them. Okay, and I and I just want you to start breaking away this black-and-white thinking, and this attachment to fantasies, and then or attach or the you're trying to run away from nightmares is the nightmare can be the best thing that ever happened to you, right? If it does happen. And so you just don't know and just allow the flow, just to be you. And to allow the growth of you and the transformation of you. Don't be fixated on identities because it like some people get fixated on their career job, and then they lose that job. And then they they're depressed because they sense that they've lost some identity. But it's only because they attach themselves to that identity. I don't have like, if I was to lose my practicing license as a nutritionist would have fazed me? No, not at all. Because I'm just allowing the transformation of me. And an actual fact, you can probably say that I've transformed my way of thinking around nutrition. And so that might not fix the box or the the label or the I guess structure that people traditionally put around nutrition. I've totally expanded my view around nutrition. And my way on which I do nutrition has totally expanded. And I'm starting to share this on this episode as to how I have a more expansive view of nutrition that may kick me out of my association because I have a differing view. And I'm not fixated on this is the way nutrition has to be practiced. I have more expansive view, but it's not going to stop me. And I'm not defined as whether I've got that clinical nutrition title. Um, you know, if I don't know how to define myself, I really don't because I'm constantly transforming. Sometimes I call myself a holistic health practitioner because I practice holism around health. But what what is that? Well, yeah, it gets what is that? I'm not fixated on it. I'm just expanding and unlearning and constantly evolving myself so that I can pass that on to my clients so that they have they can constantly grow in their health, because if I'm fixated in the way health should be, then I'm actually I guess, in some way inhibiting the ability or inhibiting the outcomes of my clients because I'm not allowing the evolution. Because health is constantly evolving. As you know, we're learning more new things around the science and the evolution of our understanding. And so some of the things that I used to teach have I've realised that it's not totally true, you're gonna mean like it, it was probably true at the time in terms of my level of understanding and the limitations we had around our scientific understanding at that time around the studies. But because everything's evolving, I'm open to saying some of the things that I've shared in earlier episodes were the truth of that time or were the understanding of that time. But certainly, because of my evolution, I don't teach that anymore, or I have an advanced knowledge of that subject matter, probably better put it I just have an advanced knowledge and understanding of that subject matter, because I've done episodes on cholesterol, that now I look back and think, oh, that's, you know, it's probably not the full truth at the moment. But it's just because the science has evolved. And my understanding has evolved. And I certainly don't view cholesterol as bad anymore. I certainly have it served. And it's because I've allowed myself to be open. And I'm not fixated that cholesterol is bad, I'm not fixated that certain foods are bad. They are what they are. And they have both sides, right? And it depends on the person what their goals are, and what they're seeking in terms of healthy outcomes as to whether it's going to be part of their health plan or not. So that's it for this episode. As I said, I didn't have a predetermined outcome other than I want you to be curious and not to live in this world of gain or loss, I want you to be a master of transformation and allow yourself to evolve, and not get attached to titles, outcomes, or identities. Just allow the natural evolution of you and just work by or I guess, prioritise your day on what's most important to you, but allow that to evolve and grow and thrive and not be too fixated on outcomes because there's so many ways in which you can achieve outcomes. And so I don't get fixated on any way or particular method of achieving something. And I don't get fixated on certain numbers, hence why this podcast is continuing today. If I had it got fixated on numbers, I would have seen myself as a failure and given up and not be sharing wisdom with you constantly. Because I don't have and I don't define myself as a podcaster. Even if I lose my ability to podcast, it wouldn't affect me because I'd find another way to deliver my message. Okay, so I hope that has been some insight for you or got you thinking around, just being more open and curious and not get fixated and attached to fantasies, and attached to identities just to be you and allow that growth of you and allow you to just constantly grow and evolve. And isn't that the purpose of life is to transform? So just allow that transformation to happen every day. Don't be fixated on that this day has got to be this weather, these people have got to behave this way to me, allow it to be and just be grateful that that is life. That is life. So that's it for this week. I hope you found it interesting, insightful. Please share your comments. Please reach out to me if you liked it, please reach out to me as to what more insight you'd like me to share or what topics you'd like me to discuss or what experts you'd like me to have on the show. I want this to be your show and we can grow together. So thank you, and thank you for tuning in to another insightful episode of me&my health up.

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