Elevate Your Sense of Self-Awareness

Are you struggling to find a sense of self-worth and fulfillment in your life?

Do you find yourself seeking external validation in relationships?

In this episode of the me&my health up , host Anthony Hartcher and guest Jackson Goding discuss the importance of increasing self-awareness and self-love for personal growth and fulfillment. They delve into the impact of negative self-talk and beliefs on seeking external validation and highlight the crucial role of self-care in achieving a sense of self-worth. The conversation also touches on the challenges of balancing the fundamental needs of authenticity and attachment in relationships. Join us to explore the stages of personal growth and development and learn how to become your authentic self and live a fulfilled life.

About Jackson Goding:
Jackson Goding is a registered member of the Psychotherapy and Counsellor Federation of Australia with a Bachelor’s in Psychology and a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy. He works mostly in relational, emotion-based psychotherapy and explores the body through somatic psychotherapy, positioning all his work back to understanding and healing trauma.

Jackson works with clients from the time when trauma first happens to vulnerable, at-risk young people, through to when maladaptive coping mechanisms for dealing with life’s adversities develop into addiction, complex mental health, relationship issues and suicide.

Connect with Jackson Goding:

Website: https://findreasontherapy.com.au/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/findreasontherapy/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/findreasontherapy/
Find You E-book link: https://findreasontherapy.com.au/find-you-e-book/

About me&my health up & Anthony Hartcher:
me&my health up seeks to enhance and enlighten the well-being of others. Host Anthony Hartcher is the CEO of me&my wellness which provides holistic health solutions using food as medicine, combined with a holistic, balanced, lifestyle approach. Anthony holds three bachelor's degrees in Complementary Medicine; Nutrition and Dietetic Medicine; and Chemical Engineering.  

Podcast Disclaimer
Any information, advice, opinions or statements within it do not constitute medical, health care or other professional advice, and are provided for general information purposes only. All care is taken in the preparation of the information in this Podcast. [Connected Wellness Pty Ltd] operating under the brand of “me&my health up”..click here for more

Transcript

Jackson Goding  0:00  
If that starts to shift, so therefore, I've got to earn my worth. And what determines my worth we start to categorize is when I've got this when I'm doing that, whereas if we can break down where that's kind of come from, then we can go, here's where it started that core belief that I tell myself was never true. But I started to believe it when I was programmed vulnerable from my own brain was molding and I was just this expunged everything that I heard all of my experiences that started to shape the way that I now think now, we might be 30,40,50,60 years old now trying to go while I keep repeating the same thing. It started back there when we concreted it, and then watched each experience kind of build on that to make it really, really strong. So the process is being able to unravel that with compassion, they have to know that there's there's been this core belief, this negative, distorted shaming base message. 

Anthony Hartcher  1:03  
That was Jackson Goding, a psychotherapist and counsellor and you've landed on the me& my health up podcast, I'm your host, Anthony Hartcher. I'm a clinical nutritionist and lifestyle medicine specialist. The purpose of this podcast is to enhance and enlighten your well being. And that's why we've brought on Jackson Goding onto the show today to share with you his expertise in the area of psychotherapy and counseling, we're talking about the topic of self worth. And so you're going to find out more about how you can be more self aware that you're lacking in self worth, and how you can go on your journey to find your authentic self and to become the best version of you so that people can love you for who you are. So without much further ado, I'd love to welcome you into the discussion I'm having with Jackson Goding. Welcome to the me&my health up podcast show, how are you doing? Jackson Goding.

Jackson Goding  1:58  
I'm doing really well. Thanks. Thanks so much for having me on here today.

Anthony Hartcher  2:02  
You're very welcome to come on. I certainly love talking about mental health. And in particularly today, we're talking about self worth, and really keen to get your perspective and clinical experience on self worth and what the listeners can do to improve that. But before we get into the episode, please share your story of how you've arrived at being a clinical psychologist and counselor.

Jackson Goding  2:24  
Sure, so I'll just correct you there Anthony. I'm actually a clinical psychotherapist and counsellor I won't go into all the specifics in the differences of all that but essentially my journey is you get started in psychology and then you're going going further on to the psychotherapy a bit more clinical in the underneath it all sort of thing and I guess my part in that was before I knew self worth afraid and knew any of this stuff I was I guess a counselor before I even knew it, you know, I was kind of the go to for for everyone. I was the guy that you could get in trouble with a guy that you could lean on I was a guy you could you know just have that and I would help and do whatever I could I got really good at just being available and and helping meet other people's needs didn't really think that was a problem and probably got away with it in a lot of different avenues as we were really young and I was just doing what I was doing the story behind us probably divorce that unavailable emotionally, you know, classic parents that I was like, Well, where am I going to get my needs met. And I just thought I'll just I'll just be that guy, I'll be your hot guy and I'll be friend and you know, the best partner in the world and that worked out really well until it didn't you know, so then I guess it started getting into more loving, intimate relationships where I started to realize how much I needed to be needed and I just do whatever it took you know, and we talked about the love languages I wouldn't just give you your love language give every single love language and just you know give it give it to you all, so then later on you know a few relationships probably big traumatic experiences in relationship was finally when I realized like oh, okay, maybe it's not them and me trying to fix and save and rescue and beg and plead and mercy with different parts of my life I realized that maybe there's something going on for me and that's where I started realized that the whole we codependency you know, really needing to be needed. And I think that I would do whatever it took to sort of make sure I was I was that person realizing that I was getting my esteem or my worth externally and I was really dependent on that. So I wasn't able to kind of love myself I needed others to be a part of that love and here we are, you know long time of working on myself realizing that if I don't love me if I don't figure out what it is that I need, what it is that my boundaries are that I'm I'm in trouble and I'm going to keep searching for it externally and filling this void and not really quite understanding where it is that I need to come I have corrected love and nurture and comfort myself so that I can be my true authentic self. And as a therapist, I think naturally, whether it's unconscious or not, I was like, this is the path. I'll just keep doing this. And I think a lot of us are in this space because of that. But yeah, I was really blessed to be able to start to get the therapy that I needed, and really understand that no matter what we face, whatever, whatever struggle, whatever concern, whatever presenting issue that we have, whether it's depression, anxiety, addiction, PTSD, I think all of it no matter what it is, comes back to how do we feel about ourselves? And how do we show up in relationships. And that was definitely the case for me. So I really kind of created that space for the way that I live my life because it keeps me accountable. But it also is something that I can share and spread for others to be like, let's just get you to a place where you can look after you and love you and radically put yourself first. 

Anthony Hartcher  4:00  
Wow, what an incredible story that you shared there. Jackson, certainly it's like the your career or your purpose found you. And, and essentially, through that journey that you went on, 

Jackson Goding  6:07  
for sure. 

Anthony Hartcher  6:08  
So in terms of self worth, like and you talked about that, you know, loving self and being able to love yourself and being the authentic you Where does someone start in that process?

Jackson Goding  6:20  
Sure. Good question, where do we start with that is I guess a lot of us are walking around with the light off, you know, so until we can start to figure out where the light switch is in this dark room that we're in, we're going to keep fumbling, running and keep tripping over and we're not really going to know exactly where to go with things we might, you know, have glimmers of the light being switched on for split seconds being like, I think it's my anxiety or, you know, I'm having trouble in my relationships. So you know, definitely for me, I go in, try and figure that out, and just work on that with someone and then I kept missing the mark. So I think being able to start to identify and create awareness is a good starting point. Because when we start to actually listen to some of the things that we're saying to ourselves, and some of the beliefs that whether common or old or frequent in our mind that we say that we're not good enough, or we're not worthy, or we're not lovable, these are our kind of invitations to go, what am I then doing with that? Am I seeking and externally, and rushing to kind of be the best have the most money have the most friends have be looked the best train the best, whatever it might be, or do again, reflect and reach out and connect to be able to go? How do I recorrect this, I think awareness is probably the big first step. And then going this is this is where it needs work. And what I've been doing, and the patterns that I've been in isn't creating this lesson.

Anthony Hartcher  7:43  
Okay, so that's that self awareness piece. So being aware that, essentially, you're judging yourself, you're not fulfilled in terms of what's going on, you're feeling that there's something empty, there's a void. And essentially, then what's the next step after that, in terms of having that self awareness? Is there a process that at least the listener, or someone should go through in order to start making some progress and to start discovering his self self love. 

Jackson Goding  8:13  
So I guess could be the process for me, you know, what I'm trying to do at the moment is really put together a, I guess, a model of self worth, because there's lots of different theories and techniques and modalities out there that are helping 1000s and millions of people. But there's this underlying part that I think gets missed and, and it'll just poke its head out somewhere else. So I think down to the core of it, if we can start really figuring out essentially, the old saying is we repeat what we don't repair, right. So if we're not repairing what's going on, then we're going to keep repeating it in one way or another, the pattern is going to continue, whether that be going back into negative relationships, whether it's been doing that little bit of extra work, because our boss wants us to stay back, like you name it, wherever there's that slip of I choose you over choosing me that we can then start to go, Where did this come from? Now, society generally has this idea that there's this underlying message of I'm not good enough. So we'll keep trying and achieving and doing and thinking. And I guess I look at that as a societal, but also individual, like trauma response, you know, if, if I'm not here, how do I get here? And then what do I need to do to go and get it? You know, so if we're constantly reacting in that space, that's definitely something that I used to do. I was a doer, you know, I was like, God, I've got to get to there. And I really go check myself these days when I do that, because it's like, is that urgency, this vital and this important to do right now? What if I just stop and pause and think about what's going on? So I think being able to go, what am I repeating? What am I patterns? Where did this sort of start the I'm not good enough message we weren't born with. So it had to have happened along the way. We start to look at the concept of when we're born, we're born inherently worthy. We're born valuable. There's somewhere along the line, whether it's our upbringing, or our society that starts to shift So therefore I've got to earn my worth, and what determines my worth, we start to categorize as when I've got this when I'm doing that. Whereas if we can break down where that's kind of come from, then we can go, here's where it started that core belief that I tell myself was never true. But I started to believe it when I was probably very vulnerable. And my brain was molding and I was just this big sponge to everything that I heard all of my experiences that started to shape the way that I now think now, we might be 30, 40, 50 or 60 years old now trying to go, why do I keep repeating the same thing started back there when we concreted it, and then watched each experience kind of build on that to make it really, really strong. So that process is being able to unravel that with compassion, they have to know that there's, there's been this core belief, this negative, distorted shaming base message that existed and still exists in my day to day life, we can be compassionate towards that part, then we're going to start to be like being able to identify the difference between when I'm thinking this way, and I know it's distorted. Rather than just going, I'm thinking this way. Let's go and finish all my tasks, all of these things that are due, it just gives that little bit of difference. So I think that definitely one big part of it, right? There's lots of different factors. But I do think that that understanding what's happened rather than what's happening,

Anthony Hartcher  11:22  
yeah, and you brought up a key point around human doing versus human being. So I thought that was a good point that your eyes raised like today, we see to be very much that the do was and running around. And, and not really present, which is  doing a lot and not very present with you know, like we're just going through, as you said, these sort of habits, these are habitual patterns. And we just keep doing them and get get into these cycles and ruts without sort of stepping out of that rut and looking down and sort of reflecting on what we're doing and why we're doing it. And you mentioned that another key point, which is around this belonging and wanting to fit in. And earlier you said, you know, one of the important aspects is to be yourself, and to be your authentic self and to love who you are, they seem to be at to you know like opposite ends, in a sense, in a sense, to fit in, you're morphing yourself to change to fit into society, or So can you just talk a bit more about this chart,

Jackson Goding  12:23  
The guy that sort of talks about this best probably the trauma expert, he's like the king in my mind, named Gabor Maté . And he talks a lot about this, this sort of thing that, that you sort of bringing up and I think the two fundamental basic needs that we have as humans, like really survival base needs are authenticity, how do I be myself how to express what's going on for me? What is it that I feel that makes up my identity? And how do I kind of give that out and show up with that to the world, that's a very important fundamental need, right? So allows these spontaneous little children to run around and be children. The other most important thing is the attachment without attachment, we would die. You know, we've we were born and we weren't looked after in least in some sort of way of shelter, and food and safety. So that is such a primary fundamental survival base need, that also is crucial. We put a little kid in a little room where they've got to choose, do I be authentic? Or do I choose my attachment? So my parents, my caregivers, they're gonna choose attachment every day of the week, whether they like it or not, unfortunately, you know, yes, they'll survive. But what that sometimes means that those two things don't align and authenticity and attachment. If they don't align, then we get to choose or we have to choose with force to choose and we choose attachment, it means that I push aside my, my need or my absolute authentic ability to be me in order to be in relationship with you. So that might mean for example, you know, if I'm running around, and my thing is to, you know, yell and scream, and have fun, but my parents really don't like that. So in order for me to stay in relationship with them, and belong, and be loved, and be seen and be heard, I'm going to dial that down, I would dial me down in order to be in relationship with you, but at least I survive. But then over time, when we look at big bigger picture, a bit more macro, each relationship that we ended up going into each job or societal sort of pressure or norms that we're sort of start to acclimatized to is this underlying thing is I've got to choose relationship attachment and belonging over being authentically me. In fact, being authentically me might get me in trouble. That's the big problem, right? Is being able to how do I how do I gel these together and align them together in a really beautiful way? This is where we kind of look at self worth say that that message of choosing attachment over authenticity meant that I'm only worthy when I'm in relationship or I'm only worthy when I've got that attachment belonging I love that, that being heard that being seen identity so how can I start to look at doing me and expressing myself The way I am and what I need and what my boundaries are to be me. And I'm pretty much the instruction manual of how you being in relationship with me so that I can have the best of both worlds because we need attachment, we always will win meant to be with each other, we're meant to be in relationship and connection, we're also meant to be able to be us be who you truly are. So I think the big thing is, is that big, significant point, but it's we had to play that role in order to survive. So we play a role self. And we continue to play that role self rather than a true self. And that showed a bounces itself out into today, when we're in big kids, we're adults. Now, there's still that role we play as I will choose this. So I can stay in relationship with you when that might compromise me putting myself and looking at what it is that I need. And I want in my life.

Anthony Hartcher  15:46  
So what I gathered in terms of what you've said, If I were to distill it, essentially, there's stages. And if I look at and sort of generalize when I'm reflecting on this, is essentially that first stage is about that connection, belonging. And essentially, we want that attachment because it's really core for survival at that early stage. And then we continue that habits into like adulthood, early adulthood, essentially. And that is then termed or labeled as people pleasing, essentially, where we're doing things for others to ensure that they love us or, you know, we stay connected to them. And then I'm thinking that third stage is what is labeled as the midlife crisis where you get sick of people pleasing, and you decide I've had enough of this I'm unfulfilled, I'm actually going to be myself have I got a right sort of perspective of what you're sharing? 

Jackson Goding  16:36  
Yeah, that's the lucky side, if the midlife crisis means you know what, I don't care what anyone thinks I'm gonna do me. That's, that's a cool outcome. Whereas quite a lot of us because of that inability to be ourselves will turn to drinks will turn to addictions in our shopping, when our drugs and our sex in our relationship will stop being resentful. We stopped being exhausted all the time, because we're not letting this part of us out there needs to be out. And we're so sick of doing all these things. Like he said, for other people that a lot of the time it ends up in that despair, not letting this this little legend out authentic version of myself out more, then you get depressed, and they're going to think it's going to spill out of us, you know, whether it be their depression or anxiety or stress our physical conditions, even that locking that black part of us away for too long, will show up later. It just it just does. And if we don't try and go, Hey, sorry, it's been so long I've been I've been attached to this role that I've needed to play that I thought I needed to play that's built on this really old message based on my experiences, I apologize, I hope you understand why I've needed to do this. But let's let's become more obtained, let's get where we need to go because you are worthy. And you do deserve the life that you want to live whilst trying to live in a society that puts up these walls and hurdles the whole time.

Anthony Hartcher  17:55  
So essentially, your work is actually bringing forward that midlife blessing where people actually become the authentic self. Or as you said, they either if they don't become the authentic self, they look for fulfilment, through addictions which alcohol, drugs, sex and whatnot, or a or an NFE, for example. So they're looking for fulfillment externally as opposed to looking within for fulfillment. And what you do is essentially avoid that, you know, or bring forward that midlife blessing to essentially so that early as possible in life, you actually become your authentic self, you love yourself, you love who you are, and you're living the life. Essentially, you're brought here to live 

Jackson Goding  18:36  
Absolutely, like the people that come and find me might be presenting with hold off has done you know what the discrepancy or the inability to kind of be who they want to be is created such turmoil in their life. So I might be for people that are rocking up wanting help with their addiction or helping with their depression or being re traumatized and their new relationship is it all it all then we can identify that we can help you get that to where it is and then there's lots and lots of people doing that which is amazing and so grateful that that's something that we've now got that that is more known and people I'm reaching out more and more and more hate that list missing Link is how we looked at whether or not this is because of the fact that there's this part of you that really doesn't think they're good enough that doesn't think they're lovable significant enough, I guess worthy of support like those things we can then go hey, well that's that started somewhere and this is no longer where we need to be so we work on that presenting thing then by time goes on we go I don't see myself very well. I don't look at myself in a way of love, or I'm so dependent codependent on my relationship to my work to my to my partner to to the money that I'm making that if I took all that away, my answer would be I'd not be all right. That's what we want to try and get people into if we took all your things away all the external stuff, how do we get you to the point where you can do you and you can feel good for that. And that just be enough. So you can be a human being than a human doing

Anthony Hartcher  20:05  
fantastic, awesome, really enjoying this discussion, Jackson. Now in terms of that earlier point that you corrected me on around this psychotherapist, because the listeners will be thinking, I really like what you're saying, Jackson, it's really resonating with me, you know, said, you know, a psychologist and you said no, I'm a psychotherapist. Now is that like the differences between a nutritionist and a dietitian where the general public who got no idea, but like, so in terms of if they've seen a psychologist and haven't really progressed anywhere, and they're sort of thinking, well, maybe what, you know, what Jackson's sharing is something I need? And so can you just sort of share with them how a psychotherapist works differently to a psychologist 

Jackson Goding 20:46  
sure, is a complex one, you know, I might might rub shoulders with a few few psychologists that don't love the answer. But at the end of the day, we're all we're all trying to help. We're all trying to do what we can to help. I think that the psychotherapy side of things, and again, a lot of psychotherapists don't sit in this boat, either. So I guess all I can speak to is my experience. And what what I start to see it as is, is there's that ability to work on what we're working on whatever you present with and be really led by the person. So I find that psychotherapy is much more of a relational based work, you can try whatever you want evidence based stuff, and it's all there for a reason. But if you don't have a relationship with somebody then with like safety and rapport and trust, then how are they going to get anything from what it is that you studied? Right, so that I guess that that that's always my premise is if we can really figure out how do I build connection with you, and then be led by you step into your world, you know, poke around a little see where we're at, but then also have the ability to step out then that creates this this trust this disability to kind of feel safe, so that then we can enter into like the more psychotherapy part of it, which is going a little bit deeper and understanding the whole picture what all this had to do with all of this. And I think the way that I look at it is the way that I kind of talking about my kind of therapy now is I believe in people, you know, I'm gonna believe it for them. I'm their hype guy, because they might not have had that they might not have a lot of people in their corner on that side. So if I could say we can get you where we need to get you and I believe that then it just allows people to start to go, hey, I can challenge this old way of thinking, and I can now start to shape into there, this, this isn't something I've ever challenged, I've just gone keep working, keep hard doing this pitch perfect sort of model of what humans meant to be. Whereas we start to go, Hey, doesn't need to be that way if you don't want it to be nice. So I think that probably the big differences of things is much more of a broader scope, holistic scope, relational scope. And then the other big difference is Australian psychologist versus psychotherapist is we don't have Medicare rebates. So you go to your general, a GP, they do your mental health plan that covers you. For our psychologist, I think the the issue there is they then find you their list of psychologists since you there, most of them have a big long wait list, some don't. But then also, you're relying on a GP who is a general practitioner who might not have a real complex idea of what it is that you are going through what it is that you need specifically. So we're always encourage everyone to look at everything is if you were going in for heart surgery, you'd want to know your heart surgeon, it's the same with our mental health, when you want to know who you better go and talk to you know, so if they don't have a place for you can just have a discovery call to see if they're picking up what you're putting down and actually resonate with what you're talking about jog on coal. The next lesson, actually try and see I'm about to share, I want to get where I want to get to this is just as important as my physical health. So you know that that's the part was like, she'll go to a GP, get your mental health plan and get you that little bit of rebate, or find a psychotherapist or counsellor like myself, but do your research, do what you need to do to find find that space that's going to work for you. Rather than unfortunately, a lot of people like three four therapists down and then over, I'm not doing this again, or they're like this is my last chance and come in quite naturally and rightfully so, a bit round up by the whole through process. So hopefully that answers your question, Anthony.

Anthony Hartcher  24:16  
Absolutely. And I can see the parallels between a nutritionist and a psychotherapist that's, you know, versus a nutritionist and a dietitian. So the dietitian is covered by Medicare rebates. And then if you look at the nutritionist, they're very client centered, they look at the whole picture, and they've got that coaching report elements versus a dietitian, which is, you know, in parallel to the psychologist so I can actually really relate to what you're saying and I hope it really helps the listeners understand in terms of the different professions and and obviously the listener chooses what they want, but I can I totally get what you're saying. It's sounds very, very similar. Yeah, so And Jackson, how can the listeners best connect with you?.

Jackson Goding  25:05  
look, I think, at the moment seems like my Instagram seems to be a fun place for people to connect. And which is just "Find reason therapy" on Instagram, if you don't have Instagram, my website is same www.findreasontherapy.com.au, I think the good thing about Thatspace is a kind of creating community connect creating a connection crew, as I call it, where you'll get the resources and you'll get some stuff. But you also be a part of people that are self worth thrivers, you know, they're wanting to look at this stuff, they found this space because they want to keep going in it, whether they join for therapy, or whether they're just there to to get some quick tips and tools. That is what it's all about. So whether it be my Instagram, or I guess, my website or just chatting over to me with my email, you can get lots of lots of different resources. The easiest way to kind of get a better idea of me is I've just written a book called FIND YOU so it's a radical guide that putting yourself first. Now that sort of thing is just a really good entry level for people that might not want to fully commit to counseling, but just want to get what they want to get understand self worth, understand how they show up in relationships, and just start to do a little bit better in themselves. Really simple love to hear from some people from

Anthony Hartcher  26:16  
fantastic what I will include those links Jackson in the show notes. So listeners just go directly to the show notes to find those links to Jackson's Instagram page, his Facebook page or Instagram website, and thirdly, his ebook link. So I really appreciate your coming on the show. Jackson. It's been very insightful. And I really liked the work that you do, and essentially how you help people become the best versions of themselves. 

Jackson Goding  26:42  
Yeah. It's been a pleasure, Anthony and I'd love to love to have you on my podcast as well. I think that'd be really cool to keep this chat going has been great to kind of connect with you, man.

Anthony Hartcher  26:50  
Absolutely. I'd love to be part of your podcast and I'll certainly take you up on the opportunity and that to the listeners thank you for tuning in to another insightful episode of me&my health up. If you've really liked this episode and enjoyed it, please share it with others that could also benefit from listening to Jackson and what he's how he helps those that to discover their true self worth their authentic being and to become the best versions of themselves. So please get it out there share it with others so we can actually create a world where everyone's being the best version of themselves living who they truly are. And that's who we can truly love is that authentic person though Thank you for listening.

Anthony Hartcher  27:40  
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